*chuckling*

oh my! I've had this blog for quite some time. I vowed I'd be faithful and keep it updated, but of course that didn't happen ;) However, I have posted infrequently since I created it. I was going back and re-reading the different posts I've made through the years, and I have to say, "I'm a weirdo!" ha ha. I did enjoy reading my 'raw' emotions in the blogs; as we get older we tend to forget how we felt in those moments. I'm thankful, that even though I HAVEN'T been faithful in posting, at least I did post. I noticed most of my posts were when I was struggling with something in particular.

They're many gaps missing in my story, unfortunately. They're moments that hit when I just feel like blogging; obviously those moments haven't been often. ha ha.

Life happens, and blogging becomes insignificant in the grand scheme of things. However, it's much more common now. I suppose one could argue that Facebook is a form of blogging, in which case, I do blog often. :) It's like fast food blogging.

Life has changed dramatically since my last post. I was quite despondent. Fabulous news, I am no longer! I've gone through several jobs in the last few months. I know I come off as flaky when reading such news; I assure you I am not. Those jobs just weren't the right fit for me. I have found one that is, and I am very excited to begin, but a tad nervous as well. I don't want to fail.

School begins, once again; in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to it, because I just want to get my educational career completed. I'm leaning towards studying Social Work, with a minor in counseling [perhaps]. I want to make a positive difference in children's lives, and I feel this is one way I could, perhaps, accomplish it.

Now, my favorite person and subject of all time [besides Jesus, that goes without saying, I think] my wonderful, handsome, adorable, sweet, boyfriend. I'm sure I could come up with more adjectives to describe him :P Our relationship has improved IMMENSELY! For that I am most grateful. We hit a rough patch a few months back, it wasn't good. But we have learned to better communicate with one another, and that I believe was the key. He honestly is an amazing man, and I am blessed and privileged to have the honor of being with him and knowing him.

sad, hurt, lonely

Dear Jesus,

I'm going to use this blog to talk/write you. I hope you don't mind.

I'm having a really hard time. When haven't I heard that? Is what I'm sure is going through your head. I'm sorry, but I am. I'm struggling with many different issues right now, but the one that is bothering the most is: my boyfriend. Now isn't that a cliche, a girl having boy troubles. I know that I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I make mistakes everyday. I know that I get very immature at times when it comes to my relationship, sometimes I just feel I can't help it, it almost feels good to act in a childish way...but then afterwards I feel very foolish; but boy in the moment it feels GREAT! Needless to say, I don't always handle issues very well (when it comes to the relationship.) Also, this is the first time that I have had a "real" relationship, so I don't always know the best way to approach things.

I should say, I love him very much. Most of the time he makes me so happy. Lately however (over the last few wks) he's been different towards me. I'm not sure why, but he's been getting real mean and jerkish. I honestly don't know how to handle it, it makes me feel like he really doesn't care about me or love me in the way that he claims. Does this make sense? Is that possible? The way he has been treating me, has been VERY hurtful :( I don't know what to do Jesus. It really hurts. I don't know if I should cut my losses and end the relationship. I don't want too, I love him and do want to be with him...but not if he's going to continue to be this way towards me. When I mention to him how bad it is ( I really believe that he knows what he's doing) he'll say sorry...but I don't feel he really means it, because then he just keeps doing it. Is there another girl in is life that he'd rather be with, and doesn't want to be the "bad" guy and end it, so he is just mean and awful to me in hopes that I'll break it off?! I don't know, maybe. He used to NEVER be like this! He's intentionally mean! That hurts so much, because if he wasn't aware of it or something, then I'd be a bit more understanding, but NO he knows he's doing it, and continues to keep doing it!

I'm sorry Jesus, please forgive me. I just want to know what I should do, or how I should handle it. I guess in a sense, this is my prayer to you. I apologize for the crude manner in which I'm presenting it to you..I hope you don't mind.

Well, I feel a little better, sorta. Let off a bit of steam. I just feel really hurt, he doesn't care about me anymore. What am I still doing with him?

Feeling sad, hurt, and just really lonely

Ugh!! I'm soo annoyed right now! My boyfriend is out and about with his friends having fun, and it's like he doesn't even care about me! ugh! I know this is so adolescent...but I have to vent somewhere, I have no else to vent too! So, sorry you get to hear my dumb immature ranting. Lately he's been acting differently towards me...and I'm afraid he's just getting sick of me and doesn't really love me like he says he does. It's like he lacks a common sense chip! He's so dense sometimes, or at least acts like it!!!! ugh!!! I love this guy too much I think. I need to get my friends base back...I depend way to much on him. It's like he doesn't get that some of his actions just plain out bother me! I don't know why he doesn't see it. Dumb, dumb, dumb! He's just so distant lately. It really bothers me...I'm afraid he's just gonna up and leave me..then that will make me feel so worthless..cuz if I can't keep him interested, then who will I be able too!!!!!! I don't think he really loves me that much :( or at least lately it hasn't really felt like it. I just feel so sad...and I wanna cry. I'm really trying not to nag him, but I want to go off on him so badly! I feel really hurt :( :( Just been feeling extra crazy lately, and I'm never usually like this. He's making me feel this way, another reason why I'm just not happy with him right now.

Anywho, I feel a bit better now. Thank you very listening. I know this is more ramble than anything else, and doesn't make much sense at all; but that's ok. It works for me!

Back to anatomy! ugh!

Discouraged

It's a late night, which isn't unusual for me. I'm so messed up right now. I'm really confused about so many things--I really don't know what to do. I feel like such a broken record. I say I'll do things, but then I hit a speed bump in the road, and it's like a I give up--find an excuse not to do what I had committed myself too.

I'm so tired of trying to figure things out. I just don't have it in me anymore...

I'm not happy with my life, it's my fault though--I've lost sight of the important things, and I'm not sure how to get them back in sight, much less keep them in sight.

I look around me, and it's like people have things figured out, and I'm the only one who doesn't. I really feel like such a failure--I'm not going to school, and as of right now, I'm not doing anything else besides work--and it's not fulfilling! I don't know where to turn--besides Jesus! Which to be perfectly honest, I haven't been doing much of lately...that in itself is probably my BIGGEST problem.

I feel so unworthy of everything. I'm not sure what everything is though...

I really want to cry so very hard, it would probably help me so much. I remember I used to cry so much, but lately it's like I have no feeling or emotions. I have no desire to do anything--it's like living is just too much itself.

I have no right to be feeling this way. I am the most ungrateful human being on the planet! I have everything, yet I'm taking it all for granted! What is my problem...???

need to some serious soul searching--

very much a troubled Gypsy

lost so very lost

I need to gain control of my life! I just don't know how. There are times when I feel like everything is going good, I have control, then before I know it--crash-bang-boom! It all blows apart!!

I just don't know what to do--I feel like crawling in a hole and disappearing. I just want to go to Heaven--it would be so much easier!

I found this wonderful quote today. It rings so true too me--I have to stop doing this.

Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.

Bummed out!

So....

My worst fear has indeed been realized. I, once again, like someone who DOES not like me back!!!!

Why does it always have to end up like this for me? I'm so mad and frustrated at myself, it's unbelievable!!!!

He doesn't even text me anymore, which is sad, because I thought we were friends. I guess not. Oh, well, what's a girl to do?!

On a more positive note, I have finally decided what I'm doing about college. I came to the realization that "traditional" education is just not my cup of tea. No use fighting it any longer! I am going to be attending a photography school! Which I'm really super excited about!!!! I'm looking into 2 different ones. One in Cali and one in mass. I think I'm leaning towards the one back east, but we'll seee!

Just wanted to give a brief update!

Sad and disappointed,
gypsy

Oh what, Oh what am I going to do?!

I have some new news! I no longer like the guy who I liked for much, much too long!

THAT CALLS FOR CELEBRATION! Ohhh yay baby! :D

However, I do believe that I'm beginning to like someone else. I'm not sure yet. And if he likes me, I have no clue (there is a possibility he may have a girlfriend.)

It sucks though, I didn't want to like him, but as of recently, I have begun too, and I don't know what I'm going to do.

He's a really nice guy, but I don't know him THAT well. We're friends, but it's not like we really hang-out besides work. So......I don't know we'll see. It would just absolutely suck, if I end up liking a guy who doesn't like me in return--AGAIN!

Talk about frustrating!

Man OH man.....I need to find the sweetest guy in the world, who will love and like me for...me!!!!!! That would be unbelievably wonderful and lovely--all wrapped up into one big hug!

That's it for now. I'll update later!

xoxo--gypsy