confused, lonely, and hurt

Tonight I wanna cry.

I feel so confused and so hurt right now. I'm not sure I can take much more of this. I don't know what to do. My emotions are changing like a babies diaper needs to be changed,(sorry, bad metaphor.) I don't know what to do anymore. One day I'm fine and at peace, then the next day I'm the complete opposite. I'm constantly second guessing myself. If you haven't yet figured out who I'm referring too, it's the infamous..him! I just feel so confused. I think he likes me, but at the same time, I'm not entirely sure. Many times he acts like it, but then I just get like these mixed signals. Granted I haven't been the most forthcoming either, but I've been working on that. I'm sorry, but he has to know that I like him, he just has too! Like I invited him to the movies, and he went with me....well, I didn't hear from him until like two days later. He called to ask if he could borrow my usb! Then later on that night, I saw him, and I was really nice and gave him a back massage and everything. So, the next night I go to check my e-mail..and he e-mailed me. So, I e-mailed him back..the him me...then me him...and then nothing! That was days ago! Then I see him today...and I give him another back massage...but as we were talking and stuff..come to find out he went to the movies with another girl and stuff...and here he's always saying that he doesn't have a lot of time. What I don't get is if he really liked me, then why didn't he invite me or something. I hardly ever hear from him. Then he's talking about leaving and going to the Marines and how excited he is about that, which I think is great, but it just hurts so much! I'm afraid that once he leaves I'll never see him again..and he'll find some other girl who is prettier and better and everything and he'll fall in love with here...and I'll just be left hung out to dry!! I have liked him for so long...that I'm afraid that it will be all for nothing and that he doesn't really like me and that maybe he just sees me as a little girl or something...I don't know! I like him so very much it hurts! But when I see him, it somehow makes up for everything...I just can't explain it. Despite everything, my feeling for him just keep getting stronger! When I'm not around him, I think about him and I miss him so much! But I what I don't understand is why! Why do I miss him so much?!? When he's around I feel completely happy. I think I like it better when it's just me and him, because then I'm really comfortable with him...and it's just really nice! I don't know. Lately I just don't really feel like doing stuff, because I would rather be with him..only problem is..that's not really an option! But at the same time I've been messing up, and I don't mean too..it just happens. It's like I want to let him know how I feel, but I just don't know how to without just coming right out and saying it...and I'm too chicken for that! I just feel really lost, lonely, and confused right now. Alot of new emotions and feelings that I've never had before. Like in the past I've liked him, but that is as far as my thoughts on the matter went. Lately...and I know this is going to sound bad, and I hope I'm not a bad person for feeling this way..these feelings have just come out of the blue, but it's like I wonder what it would be like to have a physical relationship with him...not in the sense of sex...but in the sense of hand-holding, kissing, hugging...etc. The feelings have been really strong, especially lately and I don't know why or where they came from!! He really is a lovable guy....and I really like that about him!! I don't know what to do! It just hurts so bad right now! I don't want him to be with other girls...but at the same time..if he's not the one for me..then I want these feelings gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I'm going to go to bed..and listen to sad country music! lol.

confused, lonely, and hurt
gypsy